Choose and act
Is this your standard or someone else’s expectation?
You are about to spend another hour making something “proper”. Before continuing, ask who needs that extra work and what would happen without it. Some standards protect an important use or a promise. Others are preferences you genuinely enjoy. Some are expectations you have imagined without checking.
Four possible sources
A requirement exists independently of your preference: a document must include the information needed for its purpose. An agreement is a promise made with someone. A personal preference is a quality you choose because you like it. An assumed expectation is what you think others want but have not confirmed.
The same detail can belong to different categories in different situations. A formal dress code for an event is different from imagining that your friends will judge your clothes at an informal dinner. Check the actual situation before deciding what the detail means.
An illustrative dinner invitation
You invited three friends for a simple meal and now believe you need a spotless flat, homemade dessert and elaborate table settings. What did you actually promise? Perhaps only dinner at seven. Food your guests can eat and enough places to sit matter to the plan; elaborate decorations may be your preference.
In this fictional example, you can ask about dietary requirements, clear the table and buy dessert. You can also choose to decorate because you enjoy it. The difference is that the decoration becomes a choice rather than a test of whether you are an acceptable host.
Trace one “I should”
Choose a single standard rather than trying to untangle every expectation in your life at once. Write the rule exactly as it appears in your mind.
- The standard I am applying is…
- Its source is a requirement, an agreement, my preference or an unverified expectation.
- The concrete consequence of not meeting it would be…
- If I am guessing, I can check by asking…
- I choose to keep, reduce or drop this standard because…
Do not erase real responsibilities
Finding a rule inconvenient does not make it imaginary. If you agreed to provide something, change the agreement openly. If a safety or access requirement applies, meet it or seek the appropriate alternative. This exercise is not permission to replace duties with whatever feels easier.
Equally, you do not have to abandon a demanding preference just because nobody asked for it. Keep it if its value is worth its cost to you. When time becomes tight, knowing which details are chosen extras makes it easier to adjust them without treating the entire result as a failure.
Where Nelby fits
Nelby’s reflective reading can help you explore the meaning you attach to being reliable, impressive or “good enough”. A favourite message may give you a useful question to carry into this exercise. The source-of-standard check is authored here; the app does not determine other people’s expectations or your obligations.
Nelby is the upcoming version of Éclo. The version currently available on the App Store is still called Éclo and offers subscriptions.
Understand the app and upcoming offer →